Far Away Hills

Leaving Ireland almost two years ago, I was on a quest for growth. Life felt stagnant and my mind craved a release, fresh water. I yearned for a sense of wonder, mystery and a feeling of alignment within myself.

Now embarking on the journey back home, it feels as though the loop of this two year chapter is coming to a close.

Until now, it has been difficult to draw context on the time gone by. I still felt very ‘in it’, not having perspective on everything that has both changed, and stayed the same.

There exists a narrative that once you return to the grey green isle, that you are settling for a life less fruitful than the one you’ve just tasted.

Now, my appetite for adventure has been fed. What’s been unveiled is an ever-present desire for connection, community and understanding; something harder to cultivate and retain during the quest for novelty and stimulation.

It’s only recently, having lived longer term in an unfamiliar new city where everyone is a stranger, that I’ve identified the innate, rare feeling of being understood.

“Understanding is a basic element of intimate connection and is what allows us to feel emotionally safe. To the extent that we feel accurately and empathically understood, we can trust and feel close to another.”

While I have been lucky to experience new relationships where mutual understanding has been felt from the first conversation, I also realise forming new bonds in adult life is a process that requires active patience. Uncovering the life experiences & cultural context that make both of you, “you”, is layered. It takes time and importantly, vested interest.

There is an inherent, mutual understanding that comes with being home and sharing cultural identity. It is not tangible and it can’t be seen in a digital square box. It’s something that’s felt in small daily interactions like overhearing the conversation in the queue behind you, recognising the words and what they mean. It’s felt in fleeting “hello’s”, whispered between strangers on an evening walk. It’s the ongoing affirmation during conversation, a nodding of the head, an “mmm”, “absolutely”. Knowing we are on the same page.

Having grown up with no particular patriotism for where I’m from, time away has made me realise I am far more Irish than I ever thought I was. The way I say “bun”, “tart” and “isn’t it”, my lack of directness, tendency to self deprecate and impulse upon greeting to ask people how they are; things deemed humorous and novel in foreign lands have informed me about my own identity.

Doing hard things has also informed me of my own identity. I’ve learned about my values, what scares me, what I can tolerate, what I can’t, things I can improve at and things that aren’t worth the worry.

Countless characters, faces and places have enriched my life in the past two years. I’ve had the joy of experiencing both wonder & awe, learning, love, experimentation and inspiration.

But what I know now is that the blades of grass in the familiar fields of home burst with the same potential, if one is ready to see it.

And while far away hills have filled me up, home feeds a part of me that those hills cannot.

See you soon friends x